I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
