just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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