i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
