i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
did i walk over a car last night?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
