Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
