so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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