I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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