Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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