I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
