Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
