how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize