yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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