He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
