I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
