You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
