don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
