So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
