Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize