Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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