i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
