Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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