God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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