i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
