My balls are so social today.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
