I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
