u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
