I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize