P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
