I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
