Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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