She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
