Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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