Got a toothbrush?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
