If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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