Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
it glows. i had to have it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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