Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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