I puked a lego.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
