o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
