I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
