My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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