I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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