i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
