I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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