The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize