There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
