Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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