the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
