i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
