I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
