Midget sex pt 2 tonight
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I need to sanitize my soul.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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