Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
