maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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