I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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