Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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