Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
