she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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