guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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