Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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